Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Live. Enjoy. Appreciate

One thing that I’ve learned from all these job rejections and rejections in general is to slow down. Why exactly am I rushing to work a 9-5 job? So I can make enough to start a family, to buy a house and car, to travel the world, and get a bunch of stuff, all to fulfill my happiness? Does money really make me happy? HECK YEA! But time makes me happier. I hate being rushed, and that’s how I feel with this process of landing a super job. I have to get a job soon, so I can follow the typical life timeline that I made up for myself. Yes, I blame myself for being so hard on myself too.

I thought that was happiness. It still is, but I’ve learned a different kind of happiness from rejections: living in the moment, enjoying the moment, appreciate the moment. Don’t worry yet, I still have life deadlines to meet for myself, but for now, I’m tire of beating up myself. I’m tire of feeling guilty, which is another reason why I’m not in a relationship. I just expect myself to be really good at it :P And if I’m not going to do it 200% and correctly, I don’t want in; like dude, I am saving all of us from heartbreaks and bullshit. Oh gosh, being hard on myself again. :D Choua, I love you, be nice to yourself.

I never really lived in the present. I was always busy planning ahead or just reflecting too much on the past. This is the reason why I love getting lost and making wrong turns, because the blessing in disguise was for the reasons I mentioned above. I love it when I accidentally don’t follow my schedule. I appreciate it when I wake up and accomplish nothing because my brain was fried all week, some people call it a break. Lastly, I enjoy my spontaneous moments, and those are really rare, but special :D.

No external links today. I want you to enjoy this entry. Alone. Get excited for New Year's Eveeeeeek!

Monday, December 29, 2014

2014 has been an interesting year

January - Went to Vegas with Bao & the Lor sisters
February -
March - This finally arrived! :D
April - Coached tennis for the first time!
May - top braces came off && Started my own journey
June - Completed my first semester of grad school. Then it went on hold
July - Traveled to 15+ state parks to take photos for the DNR
August - Good byes are sad. Milwaukee State Fair for DNR booth.
September - Back to school, started at NTC
October - Started my new position at a university, one step closer to my dreams
November - Became more active in my blog and youtube channel (15-->70 :D)
December - Hmong New Years!

As I go into 2015, I will be letting these people go.
  1. There was a recent post I had on my facebook and someone commented on it. It had finally hit me how annoyed I was of that energy. I really don't recall any good words from this person. Anytime they commented on my things, it was just negativity. I believe in critical feedback, but it should be done privately, like dude, seriously, just private message me, instead of trolling on my post. I've never gone to their page and bash their posts, like, it's their life and it's my life. If my facebook posts are disturbing the peace in their life, they can just remove me from their newsfeed or save the both of us by unfriending me. BUTTT NO, they had the audacity to comment negativity in my posts. I was pretty unhappy by the time I made my post, and you want to make that cut? 
  2. I've let go of people who used me a long time ago and let me tell you, it feels great.
  3. It took me a while to let go of people who lacked respect, sensitivity, or sympathy for others. There was this person I knew and all we ever did was argue about nonsense. It took so much of my energy and that was when I let them go, sorry dude, I have things to work on than try to prove you wrong. You can go at your own pace to see where I'm coming from. I'm not a super caring person, but I think that if I hurt people more with my negativity then I rather just keep my opinion to myself. Seriously, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything. Unless you have a really important point to make, then maybe. But for the most part, keep your views to yourself, especially if it wasn't asked.
  4. People who hurt you do not deserve a spot in your life. I let mine go, you should too.
  5. Liars gonna lie.
  6. This is the reason why I have only 3 real friends.
  7. This is the reason why I am often on a solo mission :D
  8. This happens to many of us; you are who you hangout with. I had a group of friends that could drink a lot, so people thought I could drink as much, but I am not anything near a drinker. I'm the complete opposite. I go to the party, play card games, and ask for a water. My life is not worth getting drunk over and driving under the influence, oh great, I can go on a Hmong house party rant ... 
  9. The people who held me back were let go many times in my life. It may sound like a child move, but I don't need to surround myself with people who don't believe in me.
  10. When I was in high school, it felt like I had a ship for all the people in my life. As I got older, it became a lifeboat, exclusively for only a few people in my life. As I cut away ties, I also grew new ones too. As sad or selfish as it sounds, I want to have a connection with someone that I care for, believe in, and am willing to invest my energy on. It takes energy to come up with negative comments or any critical comments, and only a few people deserve that in life.
As you can see, I couldn't recall much accomplishments from Jan, Feb, Mar because I had a lot of toxic people in my life at those times. I ended 2014 with a lot of random things, met new people, and got closer to myself. I was able to get more things done because I put myself first. Some may call if selfish, but who else is going to love you more than yourself? I'm excited for what 2015 will bring in.

Post edit: The Minimalists also updated their 2014 year too. They sure worked hard this year because it motivated me to work on a lot of self-development. 

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Done. and Gone :D

“Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale.” 
What are the chances that it happens right in a row, where you end a relationship and you thought you were done for life in cooperating with another individual, but something happens and neither one prepared? ...At least I wasn't. What I love about relationships is this glow to them; this light in the dark; this heart that races :P; just this thing that is truly indescribable.

You see it in their eyes. The way they look at each other. They way their hands clasp. They way they reach for each other as they walk to the store. The way she grips his arm. The way he puts his arm around her. Love is the way ... but I am done. and gone.

:P I'm just feeling cheesy! Winter break is over :( Not ready for real life yet.

The wedding photos were from a college friend of mine this summer. In fact, I've been to a few of them and I'll be going to more. Enjoy the rest of 2014. Oh yes, with 3 days left, I plan to do something crazy yet...at least crazy in my eyes. Stay tune :D

Oh and, I'm the girl on the left of the photo.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays! I received a very special gift on Christmas day! This is one unique gift that took a lot of hours to give. Lee Chang finished the script we worked on. I hope you will enjoy this clip as much as I did. It’s not at its best yet.

Many people would prefer to share a piece they’re completely satisfied with, but I wanted to let everyone in on my ‘filming’ journey from beginning to the end. It’s not like I have 1000 subscribers :P, but when I do, they’ll be able to look back at where I started and improvements made over time. I mean, look at Nigahiga and WongFu’s first videos.

When Lee worked on this, he tried to make it mellow/serious, but it just didn’t match what was going on. I guess that’s because Mr. Neely and I are just really happy people (in the short and in real life). I can’t act as mellow as I write, check out Dear Love, if you haven’t. Of course, bloopers were added because we are just happy people like that. What's the plot? That's for another blog :D I don't want to rush myself and get it done right now because it won't have any soul and life to it, which is a really important for me when I write; my entries need to have life.

The short was filmed in four hours. As I watched some of WongFu’s behind the scene, they took several days to film one. Unfortunately, I don’t have those luxury and resources, but I am closer than when I began. That’s what you have to take out of every experience, you are closer, better, wiser. What you had only imagined came to life and you know how to be better next time. If you don’t ever start, you’ll never know your powers. I’ve heard others say, “Why don’t you just focus on getting good at one thing.” Well...yea, this is my focus to getting good at this one thing...so if I don’t start, how will be get good? Take my first MN Vlog for example, it wasn’t as good as the second one on the MKE HNY. I’m taking baby steps, and not everyone is the same. Some people are amazing and they can make those big leaps (like my sister’s first heart-touching entry). Ok, I don’t want to take too much of your time on Christmas day, so I’ll end here. I’ll do a BTW for the script on another day, even I need to go spend time with my family on this day :D

Friday, December 19, 2014

VLOG - 2014-2015 Hmong New Year in Milwaukee, WI

So I finally realized why I’ve been quiet all these years. It’s because I’m usually thinking about something else. Who or whatever I’m with at the moment just doesn’t interest me, or my mind is already on something else, like this video! I spent about 6 hours editing it, more like 5 because I kept taking breaks too. Enjoy :D
Random, my boss is just amazing. I love her leadership and guidance so much. This is my estimated plan for blogging, vlogging, and couponing.

 Sun - Coupon Mon - Edits Tues - Blog Weds - Edits Thurs - Vlog Friday - Blog Sat - Vlog

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


This weekend, I got to sit down with two singing contestants, Xee Tong & Jakie Chang, for an impromptu interview, which I also learned a lot about how to be properly prepared. There was something that they and I, even YOU, shared in common, validation. I was actually inspired about this topic from this funny video:

How could a girl that would never date me be the one that would validate me?
While ignoring an amazing girl, doesn’t that sound frickin crazy?

I applied that to other parts of my life. How could a job that would never hire me, be the one that validate me? I was just tired of feeling that way. I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t good. I was tired of:
Dear Choua,
We appreciate your interest in SOME.BS.JOB. at NOT POSSIBLE and the position of BULLCRAP for which you applied. After reviewing the applications, yours was not selected for further consideration.
The selection committee appreciates the time you invested in your application. We encourage you to apply for posted positions with our program in the future.
We wish you every personal and professional success with your career search and in the future. Thank you, again, for your interest in NOT POSSIBLE.
Someone who didn’t even look at your resume to begin with and just needs to get this process over with
I was simply tired of getting rejected. As I got a chance to meet these two contestants in less than 10 minutes, I concluded that we owe it to ourselves to validate our strengths. I sensed that they both felt that they needed more support beyond their main support group. That's ok and ideal for anyone that’s working on anything, but I don’t think that’s necessary. But who am I to validate them on the positive side either?

If anything, I think we really need to put effort in what we live or work for. Do not let those 1 or 10 people validate that you’re not good enough. I believe that if we surround ourselves with positivity, we will overcome it. Don't hurry and tell me that you also need a mix of the bad for success either. You do, but only a small amount. Would you enjoy being around someone that tells you that you suck at life everyday? I believe that leads to low self-esteem, then depression, and ultimately suicide because it feels like shit. So if you enjoy being around negativity, be my guest. There's a difference between encouragement and just plain douche

For rising singers, artists, whoever, yes, start a youtube account. It doesn’t matter who’s listening or watching, yet. What matters is that you’re putting your efforts out there. As you continue to upload videos, you will improve...look at how ugly my guitar skills were; you can’t get worse than that! I will leave you with this quote, Rome wasn’t built overnight, so start working on your dreams. You have two choices: shut yourself down every time you think no one wants you and your talent, or push that aside and just do you.

Feel free to share about how you handle this feeling

Friday, December 12, 2014

Relationships, call it Magic

(It’s Friday and on Fridays, I work at the IT lab to help with administrative duties. Also on Fridays, everyone leaves campus early, get where I’m going here? That means I have time to write. I’m debating if I should ask to leave work early and head out to Mad and MKE for the weekend. For now, I’ll continue a post I started.)

The reason why I decided to share parts of my life on the web is because I’m not in a relationship.

You see, when I was in one, my partner got all of this, stop thinking dirty. All of this is not physical, it’s the stories, the cheesiness, the random, the ugly, the good, the bad, everything in any partner. My partner was always my priority, and that was sadly kinda the mistake too, but that was the decision I made. I never shared stories/my daily stuff with just anyone and always saved it for them...because I’m cheesy to want them to be the only one who knows, ya know, thee-only-one kind of deal. In general, my life was very limited to my family, close friends, and partner.

Since I’m not in a relationship, I don’t have anyone to share my thoughts and ideas with anymore. Don’t suggest me to get in one either. Not being in one has shown me that it’s ok to share my thoughts with the world and not just limit myself to my partner. Sometimes I do feel and wonder, who is even reading? And most importantly, who even cares? Then the more important question, do I NEED THAT to function? LOL! I’ll leave that a mystery to all of us, including me self.

It used to be that a relationship was doable if the other person was willing to tango with me and vice versa. However, as I got older, it got more different, like a little more expectations and I didn’t want to tango on my end. It kind of matters after a while as you age.

At 16, I didn’t care if my partner was going to continue higher ed or not, who am I kidding? I didn’t know nothing myself; the blind leading the blind. As long as I finished high school, I didn’t even think about college. At 18, a job for financial income started to matter because I wanted to explore the world and love wasn’t going to provide fuel for that. Don’t mistaken a person that needs you to have a job to provide for them. A job for yourself just means pulling your own weight...so I encourage you to get a job if you don’t have one. If you have one, continue to climb the ladder to your ultimate position. By the time I was 20, I did so much and it mattered what my partner was kind of passionate about... feel strongly about... or have a bigger purpose for, ya know, dream. The problem with 20s something is that they act like they’re in retirement by that time, as if they’ve done enough. What exactly have you accomplished that you want to bum all day? Where have you gone? Do you like your situation?... It’s different for everyone, but that was my problem. I could never settle...I wasn’t ‘bored’ of a relationship, but I just felt like I stop growing when I got in one. At 22, it was important for me to make sure I find someone that was kinda the same like me, like going the same direction, motivation, having a positive view (like, IDGAF if you have to lie to me that you’re having a great time at a boring event; fake it til you make it. That’s for a different blog--venting about people who demands but don’t cooperate. GFY). Yes, I get that somedays you are going to call in sick on life, but I can’t be around people who call in sick 5/7 days!! I think my mom only calls in sick on life about 1/year...so you really need to get check if you’re calling in that often. :P Like that analogy? 

Now, even i’m confuse with the idea of being with another person. I hate reporting where I am at all times, even my mom doesn’t know! I hate feeling like I can’t have a conversation with the opposite gender, I’m not flirting or interested, I’m doing research. I hate dealing and running with another schedule, like dude, just go get your stuff done, then let me know when you’re free. And let me get my stuff done, and I’ll let you know when I’m free. I hate being on the phone for 3 hours, because we could seriously be doing something more productive. I just hate it all. Haters gonna hate :P 

But yes, I believe that that doesn't happen when you’re with the ‘right’ person, because that kind of relationship is literally, MAGIC. You both magically have time for each other. You both magically want to be at the same place. You both magically wake up with a smile on. You both magically laugh at the small things. You both magically enjoy each other. Before you start thinking that I’m going fantasy world here, I was really trying to say that people chose to make things work because each other matters.

I haven’t gave up on having a relationship yet, but those were my experiences. I can’t just blame the other person. I was just as guilty, I should’ve just never got in one in the first place. Why do you think I’m in this situation? And yes, I do and don’t like it, but I’m not going to drag anyone in the process of making that decision.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Blog VS Vlog Vs Make up

I’ve been spending a lot of time vlogging because I just love my t5i so much. Blogging (B) and vlogging (V) have their pros and cons. Since I’ve been been doing both of those so much, I can’t even share my ideas on instagram anymore. I used to post 3-5 photos per day.

Time: VLOG wins
B: I’m more motivated to write my thoughts out, but it takes me more time. However, I don’t have to spend two hour + on editing.
V: My thoughts are out right away, however, I end up spending 1-2 hours editing the ‘ums’ and pauses. For a 5 minute video, I spend about 2 hours to cut, edit, add word, and so on. Not just that I rewatch the video over and over again. Those short 10 seconds I rewatch turns in minutes after a while

Action: BLOG wins
B: When I blog, I can write anywhere! I’ve written on napkins before and carry a pen with me like me father does. It’s easier to erase things I don’t like than to redo a scene.
V: I can’t always vlog instantly because I have to carry my gears around and that can be annoying on my end and weird for lookers. However, it receives more traffic.

Presentation: BLOG wins
B: When I blog, no one sees how I look. In fact, I was in in my sweats with smeared make up on Sunday when I edited the Green Bay videos.
V: I hate to admit it, but I only want to record when I look decent with a little makeup on. I can take photos without makeup, but come on, can someone really watch a 10 minute video of a girl that looks like this???!!

On the topic of presentation, this kind of makeup seems to be a trend these days. Could it be that by looking this way, we are imposing other intentions? I’m not saying that because anyone looks like this, they are the same as the article. But I’m saying that from the outside looking at someone with this kind of look, they may make that kind of correlation and be more attracted to the person with the make up….This can lead to other things for a different entry. 

I’m a victim myself. I’ve honestly tried to have this kind of makeup, and failed, only to truly realize that I thought I would be more attractive through that look, and failed. It’s a very beautiful and sexy look, but I’m starting to question myself behind my motivation of any kind of makeup. I am no make up guru, the worst ever. Next time you put makeup on, question your intentions behind it. Are you putting it on for yourself or for others?

Do get me wrong that I think everyone is a pornstar for looking this way because I am narrow minded like that. On a bigger scale, why do we have to feel a certain way when we don’t look a certain way? I’m just tire of feeling like I look really ‘shitty’ on days I choose to not put on makeup, and I am a makeup minimalists… Makeup is a very controversial topic.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

BTW: Dear Love

BTW (Behind the writing, kind of like behind-the-scene)

This was a big and scary step to share my blog to the fb groups I’m in. I received very different responses than what I intended, but they were great. I learned that I can’t assume people will know where I’m coming from, yes, no-brainer. But sometimes we do that where we don’t give all the info out and that can lead to misunderstanding and misconception of what I intended.

The letter started with fear, which is something most people have when it comes to a relationship. They’re scared, what if things go wrong? But what if things go right? :P. We often leave a relationship a little broken, yes, I’ve lied a few times that I was strong, but there were nights I felt the sharp pain of a thousand needles in my heart (some drama for you :P), whether I was the good or bad person. 

It appeared that the letter was a young, needy girl, which is half true. This piece was inspired by a relationship I was in during college and relationships in general. I felt like I asked for a lot, and I often think this way when I ponder about my relationship status. But I’ve come to realize that I really don’t, and people in general don’t. I only took the ‘expectation’ approach because I felt that was how others viewed me, so I decided to write the letter in that view. When in reality, none of my expectations were really ‘expectations’. Had I mentioned that the writer expect the man to provide her materialistic things, and do things he wouldn’t do, then I would consider those expectations. The things I mentioned were ‘expectations’ people should already be doing, especially if they are in a relationship with someone they care for.
  • When you’re a girl, it’s nice when a guy pays for dinner and picks you up, like the old ways, ya know? My close circle know that I am a pretty independent person (and that I am a crazy drive :P, which seems to be an ongoing them *oh gosh)
  • Warming hands just means that it’s important to share a physical connection. don’t get dirty now
  • Come on, who else hates driving? :P 
  • Running to the store was inspired by the beautiful relationships around me of couples who do those big and small acts of kindness. Pregnant women often have cravings and their partners would surprise them with sweets or whatever the crave was I've read these kinds of posts in my facebook newsfeed.
  • People shouldn’t cheat because they really cheat themselves
  • Respect is universal and goes both ways
  • We should be in relationships and aim to keep each other happy. Who wants to wake up everyday grumpy? And if you do, is that ok? If it’s not, fix it. If it is, then enjoy that feeling.
  • A relationship will have ups and down, and both people need to work on it. And I wasn’t the best candidate, but there is always room for growth.
  • I see that women often do the dishes/housework voluntarily and men often do not, which is something passed down and imposed, so I added the p.s. I believe both parties are responsible and should share the duties of a home, unless one really wants to do it or is picky about how things are done.
It may sound like a to-do list, but I just wanted to put a creative twist to it by turning it into a story within a letter. I thought I showed praise toward the man in parts of the letter, such as “look as good as you.” I didn’t make it clear that the woman will do the same because I believe that you are what you speak and do, not everyone is like that, of course. 

I could’ve took on a universal route and leave out the evidence that it was from a woman’s perspective to avoid gender preferences because Love and Lover can be anyone. However, I wanted to identify the writer as a woman to build a story and because I believe that they do not expect much from a relationship, but are seen that way. They want someone just as committed as them, but are seen that they always expect. Yes, not all women or men are like this. I missed other parts to the letter such as communication, compromise, cooperation, and many more. 

I’d love to hear what other parts you think is important in a relationship, or what you’ve done in your relationship to work, or not work. As always, thank you for reading the original letter and your reactions.

Dear Love,

press play before reading to set the mood :D
Dear Love,

I was really scared of you, not because of you, but because of my expectations for you. I just don’t want you to fail and leave both of us heartbroken. But I’ve decided to tell you what I expect and it might be a lot. I'm serious, I’m going to expect you to do a lot for me.

I put on a tough-girl show, but I might expect you to pay for a few dates and maybe pick me up too. I’ve been hurt before, so I'm going to expect you to hold me if I ever cry because of how happy you make me. I hate the winter, so I expect you to warm my hands when they're cold. Carry me if I'm tire because I have to wear high heels to look as good as you. Drive us when we’re on the road because my driving won’t get us there. Maybe I’ll want your 2 cents once in a while if I really need it, because I’ve got things figured most of the time. I might expect you to run to the store in the middle of the night to get ice cream because I want to stay up all night and watch a movie, so you won’t have to deal with a moody me. Yes, I expect you to dress up for Halloween and Hmong New Year . On our monthly anniversaries, I am going to expect Raffaellos with a side of Kit-kat, or Twix (I still want the chocolate part of the Valentine's’ spirit). Save yourself the roses, maybe you should get something that lasts, like socks because it’s still cold in February. Maybe Valentines can be an exception for roses, so you can join the I-got-my-partner -flowers group. Don’t get a dozen either. Get one, because I am your only one and you are mine. Can you also play a song for me, please?

If my day is bad, I expect you to make me happy. When I am really bored, I expect you to entertain me with all your stories. I know you might also want to join the I-hate-photos club, but I am going to expect you to get a few good shots of us at these amazing times, so we can look back at how much we enjoyed each other when we’re old. Love, even if you might not be talented, can you pretend to be good at something? I guess pretending can be your talent, but don't pretend in this relationship. There is a difference. I expect you to be faithful. Know that when you cheat on me, you're cheating yourself more :P Do I really need to remind you to respect me? When you don't, you are pretty much disrespecting your mom, sisters, aunts, and all females in the world!

Love, some time during our relationship, I might not like you anymore, or you might not like me anymore, we might even be mean to each other, but I expect you to work on this with me. Finally, I expect you to love me and I hope that’s not too much I’m asking for. I may ask for a lot, but I know I can give just as much.


P.S. I expect you to help with the dishes.
“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.” - Roy Croft

Monday, December 8, 2014

What were my blogging fears?


I've received a few good responses about my blog and I keep telling those people to start blogging too, because I want to know and learn about them also. I created this video about some of my blogging fears that prevented me from sharing it with the world and how I got rid of them. I'll just let you watch the video. At first, I didn't want to post every single video I made, but I think I'll start doing that. Enjoy the video and feel free to share your blog with me.


Geeky Story

During my freshman year, I took a Global Perspective course at 9:30am. The teacher didn’t really teach and her exam was the opposite of the class lessons, but I stuck around until the end of the semester. We also had to do weekly online discussions, which was where I saw this ‘cool’ guy. I read his responses and I just thought he was kind of cool. I never had the guts to talk to him all semester (not the romantic way), which I don’t know why...Well, because I thought he was too cool and he wouldn’t acknowledge me and it would hurt my pride. self-esteem issues, I know, even I struggle with it.

After the semester was over, we walked past each other on campus and he said hi to me, asked how I did in the class, and even invited me to one of his games. We said bye and walked away. As I walked away, I was just like:
We became friends after and I then I remembered where I saw his name, other than the online class discussions. His name was in the newspaper often. I won't say which section, but it was there often. I found out he was on one of the school sports team, and that was when I was super high-schooled out, Is this real? This guy actually acknowledged me???!! I was surprised because I judged a book by its cover. Now I just hope he doesn't discover this entry about him, lol!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

What am I Jamming to?

Enjoy this video while I'm reading this

Wildest Dreams

He said, "Let's get out of this town, Drive out of the city, away from the crowds."
I thought heaven can't help me now. Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down

Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress, Staring at the sunset, babe,
Red lips and rosy cheeks, Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your wildest dreams, oh, wildest dreams, oh, ah.

I said, "No one has to know what we do," His hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room
And his voice is a familiar sound, Nothing lasts forever but this is getting good now

You see me in hindsight, Tangled up with you all night
Burning it down, Someday when you leave me
I bet these memories, Follow you around

...I can still remember it all.
He left.
I knew why.
And I thought,
It can’t get worse than this.

We met when I was 18, then we met again when I was 21. I grew, learned, and matured so much in three years. At 18, he was interested. At 21, I was curious. At 18, I gave him butterflies. At 21, I felt them myself. At 18, I wore a summer dress with a smile on. At 21, my make up was smeared. At 18, the nights were so short. At 21, the nights couldn’t end any sooner. At 18, I had his heart. At 21, he ripped mine apart

I remember all the times I thought about him in the car. The long, awaited, short text messages. The uncertainty of where things were headed. I was good, too good to him. Not because he deserved it, but because of who I am.

Taylor Swift and I work out pretty good. She writes the songs. I write the story :P

This photo was taken in 2012 when my family went on a roadtrip that my sister planned out. We drove through Yellowstone National Park and through a storm.

For reading this far, let me entertain you with this video. I hope it'll give you a good laugh...or not. That video makes me miss my long hair, but this video makes me miss my short bob cut too. Watching that video again brought me back to a time when my partner didn't teach me the guitar when he played it. He also thought I didn't have the best vocal voice, which may be true, but even if it was true, that's something you lie through to your partner to help them get better at it. I'm not saying to give false hope, but at least be part of the solution. I mean, how do you go/stay in a relationship not wanting the best for your partner? Not wanting to help them. Not wanting to lift their spirits. Isn't that what we look for? Someone that believes in us when we can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel. He didn't teach me how to play (or believed I could), and I was determined to learn the guitar more than what I knew when I was with him. These were my moments of motivation. I'm not saying that I wanted to prove him wrong. I'm saying that it was a lesson well learned.

As always, thank you for reading. Feel free to share. comment. like. subscribe.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Selling Hmong Scarves

These would make great Christmas presents for anyone! Email and paypal me at choua08@gmail.com if interested
$8/1 + $3 flat shipping fee
Buy 6+ scarves, receive free shipping

Stay Tune

Hello Everyone,

This is the preview of the script that I’ve been working on with Lee Chang. If you haven’t seen it yet, click on it already! The first 15 seconds are pretty intriguing. Is it a movie? Is it a true story? What kind of story is it? Stay tune to see the whole story. This entry will be dedicated to the making of those 15 secs.

The script was inspired by true past events. It may sound like a unique experience, but I believe it’s a story that happens to all of us at one point of our life. It was 3am when I wrote the script and I couldn’t sleep that night, so I actually acted out my dialogue that same night. I shared it with just a few friends for feedbacks, but more for support that it was possible and if I was even funny. They thought it was pretty funny, so I gave it a shot.

Lee and I actually met prior to work on a different script, but I wasn’t prepared at all. I wrote the script four years ago and I wasn’t sure how to do the dialogue, so it didn’t happen because I didn’t feel strong about it. That one will come later. Maybe a day or two after I posted my monologue on youtube, along with directing the clip, I facebook messaged Lee. He’s always ready to go, so he asked me when I was free to film it. I told him I had to talk to find the main actor before we started. I had just met/hung out with Neely for about month, and I had a feeling he could play the role. I asked him and he said sure. This kind of worked out because he had access to the Hmong store. Even if it was someone else, I would’ve asked him to use the store anyway. Neely said sure. We set a time, met, and filmed it.

We started at NTC’s study room, cafeteria, and hallways. Neely and I have never acted before, so we just winged it. We did pretty good. The most take for a scene was probably five at the most. I asked Neely to pack three outfits, but we only switched our shirts. Overpacking lesson learned! Not just that, it was a lot of stuff to carry. We filmed around 4pm, so the campus was pretty empty by then. By 6, we almost didn’t shoot at the Hmong store because it was getting late, we were tired and the store was closing. ...BUTTT, we pulled through. Got to the store and filmed the remaining scenes in 30 minutes. The Hmong scene was important because it was the climax of the script. After we all went home, we remembered that we missed some scenes. Lesson learned!

That’s the big picture of the script. More details to come later as the video completes. Thank you for reading.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Thanksgiving: Thank you, Nam has Txiv

Hi, nyob zoo xyoo tsab. Kuv yog Moob Leeg. Peb yog Moob, peb yuav tsum tham lus Moob.
It's an intriguing thought of what my life would be half-way around the world at this very moment. Would I be educated? Would I have a job? Would I have (somewhat) equality? Would I have a family? What would I do for a living? How would others treat me? ...Would I be alive? 
This reminded me of Angelina Jolie's speech.

At first, this was just a thought for my facebook profile photo, but it really hit me five minutes later. At my age in Thailand, I would’ve been married around age 16 and have about four children by now. Maybe my husband might love me, maybe not because polygamy was practiced regularly. Education was and still is limited to the Hmong community and villages in Thailand, where I was born. My duty would be a stay-at-home mother. At least I would know how to be a better cook, kinda? I don’t think I would’ve had the option to pursue an education. My life would be different, but it wouldn’t change my heart and determination to give it my all.

Maybe I won’t be as … aggressive, assertive, demanding, dominant, independent... Crazy? As Thanksgiving comes to an end, I am grateful that I am in a different situation. I am grateful for the sacrifices my parents made to raise me in a better environment. I am grateful for my crazy family. If I didn’t have strong sisters and other female role models, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I am grateful for education that has helped me become and advocate for myself, the world I live in, and my beliefs. I am grateful for sports I participated in that has shaped me to be competitive and to give 200% everytime. I am grateful for relationships that has helped me reflect who I am, how I am, and how I work with another person. Unfortunately, it’ll take a few frogs to prepare myself for Prince Charming :P that’s for a different entry to come later. I am grateful for the hard times, for they’ve made me stronger each time, loved more each time, give more each time, work more, and appreciate more. Thank you everyone that has been on my side through the ups and downs of my life. Thank you for understanding when you go from #1 to #100 and sometimes, non-existent. Thank you. Ua tsaug.

Thinking out loud of my favorite movies:
I'm thinking about watching this documentary sometime this year.
This movie was one of my first memories with my grandma. This was how the girls in our family was called "The King's 7 Princesses." Sweet movie. Sweet memories.
I never get sick of this movie
This is a classic. It still makes me laugh
I fell in love with Takeshi Keneshiro here
The first Jet Li movie I saw and I was influenced!
Our potatoes!
Just funny
The REAL Jeremy Liin

MN Hmong New Year

I didn’t want to start blogging because I like to take my time. And that means at least an hour or two, but I’ll try to make this short and sweet.

Instead of Black Friday shopping, I went to the the MN Hmong New Year. I originally wanted to do short interviews (I’ll aim for that at my next HNY), but vlogging takes time and I was distracted. The difficult part was recording while you’re trying to enjoy the event, live in the moment, ya know? At one point, I had to bite the holder of my airpro as I filmed with the Nikon at the same time. I’m pretty sure I charged my iphone all night, but after an hour in, it was dead. I used the outlets in the building, but it wouldn’t charged. I decided to go to Andrew L Xiong and Kou Moua Photographys’ booth to use their Macs. They were very kind to let me charge it for about an hour and it lasted for the rest of the day. Watch the video to find out another Facebook ‘celebrity’ I ran into, 10k+ fb likes make the cut for me and that’s kind of the record at the moment. In fact, I think it’ll be a challenge for Hmong to compete in the social media field because the Hmong population is almost 1 million. On top of that, some of them do not have access to the internet. Ok, I’ll stop there and save that thought for a different entry.

This video took me three hours to edit last night and another two this morning. Why? Like writing a paper, you have to read your work from beginning to end, over and over again. This video doesn’t have all the clips I wanted to use. I uploaded the video five times on youtube before releasing it live to the public. Each time I reviewed the video, I noticed small changes to make. Once I made the change on iMovie, I had to wait about 30 minutes for it to completely upload on youtube. In fact, I’m only writing until the final version is ready to go live and I’ll post this entry up with the video link. I also had Lee Chang give me some feedback. He filmed one of the short scripts I wrote recently, so stay tune for that! Go like him on Facebook already! If you don’t know, he also does all the camera and editing for Lor Chang’s music and videos. See how easily off track I get? That’s a video compilation timeline for you :D.

If you don't have time for a 15 minute video, check out my 15secs instagrams. I hate to say it, but you have to watch it because you will learn some new things. I promise it'll be good and you'll be in for a surprise.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Trial and Error

At work, I’ve been working on the registration site for an event coming up. It has been quite a journey in this process to make sure the site runs smoothly. For now, it’s working great, until I encounter new problems. Of course there were great lessons learned :D!

I found that I have a lot of ideas, and most of them are not formed because the old one wasn’t good, I just think things can be done differently. I mean, if you’re going to start something, do it right, right? (This is probably why sometimes I can be a quitter when I reach the point that I’m not doing it right) For example, you can’t start a relationship with someone just for because it’s convenient or the other person is awesome in XYZ ways. jux saiyan. When I started the site, I simply copied the old one from the year before that was done by the person before me. Most of the settings were already great, but I just wanted the site to be better for users.

The event has 3 sessions with workshops and users can only select one. The original site allowed users to check mark as many sessions as they want, only to find out once they click next that they can’t continue because they chose more than one. To make this change and easier for users, I changed the setting from selection to radio. I didn’t look up what radio meant at that time; I just understood the difference. This made the site easier to use because the radio option chose the option users choose last before they continue to the payment page. This meant that each session required a 'no' option too.

The other edit I made was add a reminder in red to make sure users checked the box for their Saturday attendance to be included for the workshops, otherwise I would have to call them later and they have to go through their wallet again to make a payment. I also made that one of the first option on the registration page too. Overall, it was a great learning experience that reminded me so much of my past job experiences. My boss was very flexible and laid back through the whole process. She let me take the wheels, also because she doesn't like to micro-manage.

Once all the changes were made, the site was finally released to go live for people to register to attend the event. This was where all the trial and errors and learning finally happened. The first problem was the fees not showing up. Second was a session with conflicting time. Third was not being able to deselect an option. They sound simple to fix, but I was the phone for 30 minutes to resolve this immediately because people were registering as I made those changes and it’s a big event that couldn't wait another day to fix it.

This trial and error theme got me reflecting on my life journey so far. (For this blog, I've learned to write in googledocs, correct it in WORD, and then paste it in BlogSpot.) I've had job and relationship experiences to help form the best of me for a better person in all aspects of life (family, work, school, community, leadership). Take everything as a lesson (Dali Lama). My last position started at 7:30am and that meant I had to at least be up by 7am at the latest. My current job starts at 8:30pm. A whole hour makes a big difference. I wake up happier :D and I get enough sleep even if I stay up late. The one before that was at 8am. Now I know that 8:30am is the perfect starting time for me. One position had me working until 5pm every day and I did not like that at all. I felt like I didn't have a life. But age is also a factor. Getting off at 5pm works out for a lot of older people, but that wasn't what I needed at that time. As I get older, I know I’ll be ready for the 8-5 thaang.

The other thing I do every day is check my email that’s subscribed to the jobcenter. I have a job, but I’m still curious about what’s out there, what’s next, how do I move up, how do I gain more, what kind is going to make/help me grow? I’m not a hopper in the workforce; I’m an adventurer. As I browsed through some of those jobs, it made me conscious of my current situation. Education and experiences is what can help you control the cards you are dealt with, which was from Jerry Yang when he came to speak at UW-Whitewater. Some people have reached a point in their life that they are willing to work for someone else, whatever the pay may be, and it’s great that works out for them. One day we will all get there, whether if it’s working for someone or being our own boss, I just hope it’s something we believe in and only aim to make things better for everyone.

No one can take my education was often said by our parents. So many of us are fortunate we can still control what we make out of our lives through education. I’m not sure what anyone’s situation is, but it starts with believing in yourself and some hope. One thing you’ll need for sure is a support system. Let go of people who are dragging you down. I have a friend who was a single mom around age 22 and she completed her B.A. and Masters already. My sister also went back to school full time and she has four children. My other sister took the longest break after high school and she went back around age 28. Education is already making an impact in their lives. We can stay where we're comfortable or get more schooling to change our situations. The decision is yours. You are in control.

Many of us do not have any other obligations like our parents. We can invest in ourselves as much as we want to learn so many things to be whatever we want to be. Why do you think I am blogging about finding adventures and learning new things? I don't want to live with any regrets. If you’re not there yet, I hope you’ll get there. If you’re already there, I hope you can be there for those who need your guidance. Thank you for reading. Like. Share. Comment. I’ll take it all.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


It's rare to find a Hmong artist, or art that displays Hmong. WI artist Lao Lao was featured at University of Wisconsin - Marathon County along with the UW-Stevens Point documentary, Finding the Middle Way. Since I only work a door away from the art gallery, I decided to use that opportunity to capture Hmong art as I work on my "film" skills.
This video took me about 15 minutes to record a few clips from different angles and photos. Editing the video took the longest; 1.5 hours ( and I've been working on this blog for another hour). The reason for that is because I listen to a lot of songs for the right fit. Following that, the right part has to play for the right section. It's the timing that takes time. There were a few messages I wanted to make sure I showed. I wanted to voice over it, but I think the drawings are pretty strong already. I'll just reflect on my song choices.
I'm working on #thehmonginme, so I featured Hmong music in the video. The local radios are great, but I have a hard time figuring out the titles to the songs played. It's not like I can just google it, or maybe I can and I just never tried...A lot of videos that I'll be working on will be about exploring the Hmong in me. This is something my father told me I was good at when he saw my first documentary for the NHD competition in 2008. Nay, parents are always right. If you are following me on instagram, you will see that hashtag often.

1. Touly Vakhue - This is the song that I've been plucking on the guitar. I don't remember which Hmong movie it came from, but that was where I heard it. Be thankful for the hard times, for they have made you (The Man In The Iron Mask). Before there was enough money to buy everyone their own technology devices, everyone in the house had to share. Part of that was sharing the VCR (yes, I linked it for anyone born in the 2000's) with my grandma. This song brings memories of watching movies with her. She felt a lot of emotions from the movies, and I didn't. Now I realized that she lived through so much to understand and comprehend the movies to feel what she felt. When I saw The Notebook (2004) at 17, I thought it was the most stupid romance movie ever, Yes, go cry a river Rachel McAdams! Two years later, I watched it again and it was so sad. Then I watched it ten more times,"I want all of you, forever, you and me."
Whoaa, that was way off track! Back to the concept of limited, it was a blessing in disguise. We were all stuck watching the same movies, so we had a lot of inside jokes and lines. Hmong dubb movies was one of the reasons I also learned most of my Hmong. Yes, the appropriate ones if you're wondering. My family also shared one computer and it was on dial up too. If you don't know, you might have to google this one. Sometimes my dad took us to the public library; lots of stories about that for a later post. Who else lived those days? When we finally got a computer at home, we always fought over it. Eventually my dad told us to share it by the hour. But who was I to complain? Those were first world problems.

2. The Sounders - Pom ib Plias & Pus Yoj Kuv - These song just had a funky feel to it. It brings me back to those night parties in the 90's with the disco lights in the background, women in shoulder padded blazers, and silly dances! I also like The Sounders in general. The first song I heard was from Lub Paj Rose and I was hooked, especially the rapping part! If I can recall, I think my sister even danced to it!

3. Maim Lis - I danced to this song in the student organization, SAO, during my undergraduate at UW-Whitewater. That song is really sweet! The girl's asking if she's dreaming or not as she sees him. He confirms that it's real life and it's finally their fate to be together and if there was anyone else in her heart. She said that she never desired anyone else other than him ever since he left, dreaming and waiting for him only, waiting to see if there will ever be a chance to be with him. He said that she's still the same person and to die in his chest, he won't let her get away and will love her forever :D!

4. Destiny - I fell in love with their music when it was featured in Friends, which starred Won Bin! I didn't blog as much today. I blog best when I'm in my room.

Monday, November 17, 2014

What's your take on English Language Leaners (ELL)?

English Language Leaners (ELL) was also known as English as a Second Language.

From working as the ELL aid and what I've heard in my personal life, I've received mixed reviews about ELL. Some students don't like the program because they feel they are seen as incompetent with their peers, and that leads them to exit from the program. Students who have excited are often not very independent in their academics. One student has often complained that he has been "kept" in the program all because of a test, ACCESS. One student I worked with was very independent, but was restricted from other courses due to her ACCESS level. Sure, her ACCESS score shows her writing and thinking on demand, but it didn't show her determination, motivation, and ability to absorb new information. At her junior conference, I told her to take an AP course her senior year.

When it comes to education, language can be a factor, but if one is willing to put in the heart and patience to learn, why stop them? Sometimes, I feel like classes should be organized by that. I've seen great amazing students excel, but they're not pushed by anyone else, so they stay on the mainstream track.

Two students were also dissatisfied about the tests, that it should be inclusive. Just because one's native language is English, doesn't make them proficient, which is the issue for Hmong people that I see now. Some native English speakers might not even test out, and this could be a great way to integrate learning, and remove any stereotypes that all minorities only have problems with ELL

Based on the article, the testing process is redundant. A lot of students hate tests to begin with, and students who are ELL has to take additional ones; who'd want that label? The mother's defense that she didn't want her daughter to miss out on learning opportunities was the same reason one my sister dislike ELL. My sister felt that she missed other and higher opportunities due to her ELL identification.

As an ELL assistant, I've seen the common English grammars and mistakes, and part of me believe the need for it. However, the structure needs work. It really depends on how each school instructs their ELL course. For some, it's just a studyhall. For others, it's structured lessons. The development of any student who are ELL doesn't rely ONLY on the ELL teacher, it relies on all the teachers they interact with. Too many times, it's only the ELL teacher that does their part to help the student grow. The problem is not the ELL program or teacher, it is anyone in the school that does not interact with the student on their end. If a science teacher simply encouraged their student, maybe the student might speak up more in class, lead to confidence, which would lead them to so many other opportunities :D

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Just 2 minute of your time

This is not a spam

This is all I want for Christmas! Register to find out your credit score. No, you don't need to provide a credit card either. Each month I get 6 ppl to sign up, I'll get a free giftcard to amazon. And you can also earn it too if you repost your own link.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Mother’s job at Goodwill

Every time I write about my mother, just imagine my heart in a thousand pieces.
One of my mother’s first job in the US when we arrived in 1993 was at Goodwill. Something that is so amazing about many Hmong parents is their dedication to a job. Many people (me included) tend to stay at an entry level job for about 1-2 years and quit to the next part, but that’s unlikely for Hmong parents. Many of them are very committed to one job for a long time. For my mom, it has been 15+ years at her current employer. When we lived in Wisconsin Rapids, she commuted to work that was over an hour away. At that time, gas was a little cheaper and Bill Clinton was president, which my mother said was the best living conditions. My mother is just so amazing. She knew that we were little and worked the morning shift to be done with work by 2pm, so she could prepare food for us when we got out of school around 3pm. She always had donuts and food waiting for us at home. We didn’t have a lot, but we had each other.
Anyways, sorry it took me a while to get to the story, but I had to build the story for you. At Goodwill, she was usually on the main floor organizing things. One day, she was asked to go help sort things in the backroom. She didn’t understood any English then, so the supervisor pointed to a door. She was so confused and scared, she thought, what will they do to me behind those doors? What if something happens to me and no one ever finds out? If I don’t do what they ask, then they will fire me…What will my children eat? How will they have a roof over their head? (Ok, maybe the last part was a little dramatic, but I’m jux saiyan) She gathered herself together and headed to the backroom. She was relieved once she saw other workers and it wasn’t what she imagined.
Reflecting now, maybe my mom had an episode of PTSD; she was a child victim of war after all. I’m trying to imagine what her thoughts were at that age. I will never know what it feels like to watch over my shoulder, not know what’s going to happen, and fear for my life every day. Many of us are so fortunate to not feel that way. I don’t have to watch over my shoulders at all. I always know what’s going to happen; control freak-ish (not the psycho kind, just the calm kind). And I live a fearless life, for the most part. We are all so fortunate to do whatever our hearts desire because our parents made sacrifices for us and made us their priority.

Ok. I am going to go cry a river now :’(.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

4 Lessons From Guitar

4 (metaphor and literal) lessons I learned from learning how to play the guitar
Well, obviously I learned to pluck the other day, and now I have life figured out! I’m kidding, of course.
From learning the guitar, I learned about how I learned the best and a few things about life.
1. Take IMPOSSIBLE out of your dictionary
I was always so envious of people who could play an instrument. For the longest time, I thought it was impossible for me to ever learn that. But of course, impossible isn’t in my dictionary. It reallyisn’t… Like how I thought I would never learn how to play ping pong (pong video) or finish my college papers (which lead to my b.a) or learn how to drive (and buy a car) or ever get a bf! Wait, that one’s true.
In life, we have to make the impossible possible! There is nothing that we really can’t do if we put our heart and soul into it, and no I don’t mean fulfilling your dream of being the next NFL star for we Hmong people…but wasn’t that this first lesson? Ok sure, if that’s your dream, go after it. I’M JUX SAIYAN, more like Nelson Mandela saying— "It always seems impossible until its done."
2.Stop being bad at things and start mastering them When I started the guitar, it was just strumming whatever I wanted and imitating cool guitar players like Coldplay. Then one day (which was almost every day), I told myself I was tire of it. It was time to master the art of guitar and to get this off my bucket list (too much buzzfeed and blogs for me!). (I knew people who played and they were soo cool “and I wanted to be like the cool kids.”) I started to play around with the guitar in August 2014; it’s now the middle of November. In just two months, I have made time to learn a few notes (and a lot about life) and just started plucking recently. I’m not at the highest point of my guitar career (LOL) yet, but I am making progress, which leads to #3.
3. One step at a time.
Seriously, when I started this, I wanted to jam like Jack Johnson, but we’re not all savants like him. I YouTubed the easiest songs to play. Within those songs, were only three chords. I told myself that if I could just learn at least three, I would be happy and put an end to my guitar career. The thing about learning the guitar was that I didn’t have to “MAKE” time for it. It just kind of happened.
Like on a day where I’m supposed to do laundry, I’ll avoid it by playing the guitar. OR on a day I’m supposed to be coding. OR avoiding chores.
I started with a few easy chords, then strumming, and lyrics. Once I had my foundation set, I was ready to explore other chords simply by just thinking of what songs I want to learn. Learning a new song sometimes had new notes. This would then lead me to google the image of how to hold the note. Over time, I began to memorize them because I was so tire of googling them every time.
4. Don’t give up on yourself, which really is BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
The reason why I never started this (and other things in life), was because I already gave up on myself, which is why there’s a #5. (fool ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya)
5.You just have to try (Colbie Collie – try)
I can’t stress that enough. We live life where we don’t try and give up too easily.
Like that time when my mom told me to make the rice…Hmong style. Or do pandau (but I really do know how :P) I’ll never finish this paper I’ll never get my master
Or start this youtube thaang :P! Just because I’m saying this doesn’t mean I’m neither a guitar legend nor have life figured out. It’s just my short summary of life and what I do to keep swimming, as Dory would say. So go out there and master life! About 5 minutes long http://impossiblehq.com/25-impossible-quotes

Friday, November 7, 2014

Blank Space

omg. accidentally deleted this entry. not happy. grrr!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

4,000 Tumblr Posts!

Click here to see me celebrate :P!
I reached 4,000 tumblr posts! Whoa! That is pretty wicked cool! I have about 2 minutes left in the lab before I pack up. I spent a good productive 3 hours today, but I'm still behind :(

Tuesday, November 4, 2014


There's about 15 minutes left in the library, so I'll rush all my thoughts together.

I got a call today for another interview. I applied for this position way back in September, two months ago, and they called today. I told myself "no" right away and that I needed to just work on what I have at the moment.

Then after talking to a friend, he added more pros and cons to the potential. The best selling one was that I could work on my master. Next you know, I decided to start looking into a program in that area. That really sold me the idea to relocate.

Then I looked into the financial parts of it. It made sense. I'd still make and save more even if I paid $700+ in rent. This then lead to the climax of this note, budgeting. It made me reflect on my mom. She is such an amazing woman, with no education, making ends meet at less than $11/hr to keep our $120k+ roof. I am so ashamed of myself and my lack of success. It does not compare to the hardships she's gone through just to keep me alive :'(. Sometimes, I (we) are so ungrateful for the people in our lives. That's something that a lot of American born Hmong children are in these days. They think high school is enough. Come on, your only job is to go to school, and you can't do that? Even I'm pointing that question at myself. Seriously, I need to get this master degree. I looked at my mother's salary and I'm just so amazed at what she has done, and continues to do for the people she love. I seriously get extremely emotional when I talk about her. Nothing can ever measure the pain and struggles she endured. It's emotional because she deserves so much more.


Monday, November 3, 2014

Just wondering

What are you doing? What have you been up to? Who are you with? Why did you leave? Will I ever see you again? Why did we stop? Do you remember me? Do you remember us?

Those questions run through my head when I listen to this song. And for me, the answer was always you.

Wow, just a lot of scripts jumping out of my head.

...then I got distracted.

Lots of things happening. I accepted another job! I am so crazy. So now, I'm not sure if I have time to work on my stuff...I just have to make it happen. It'll happen, on the weekends. I have to make it happen.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

I could walk out, but I won't

This song breaks my heart all the time. It's a song where you're stuck, you're trying, you're waiting, you're wondering, you want it soo bad, and it just won't happen. The worse part is that you can't do anything about; it's out of your control. All you can do is be in pain and ache, because you can walk out, but you won't. I hate it when we do that to ourselves. It's so clear that it won't work, but we hold on to that short string of hope, because in our mind, there is a we. When in reality, there isn't. And even if it ever does, it's not even right.

 I could walk out, but I won’t,
In my mind I am in your arms.
I wish someone would take my place,
Can’t face heaven all heavenfaced.
No one’s careful all the time,
If you lose me, I’m gonna die.

How completely high was I?
I was off by a thousand miles.
Hit the ceiling, then you fall,
Things are tougher than we are.
I could walk out, but I won’t,
In my mind I am in your arms.
I wish someone would take my place,
Can’t face heaven all heavenfaced.

Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.
Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.
Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.
Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.

She’s a griever, my believer
It’s not a fever, it’s a freezer
I believe her, I`m a griever now
She’s a griever, my believer
It’s not a fever, it’s a freezer
I believe her, I`m a griever now

Because we’ll all arrive in heaven alive
We’ll all arrive
Because we’ll all arrive in heaven alive
We’ll all arrive

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Be careful for what you wish for

I am so crazy you guys. I have way too many options and it has led me to go all over. I came back to my hometown for a relationship, but it didn’t work out. In the meantime, I worked and just got a new one. I was so desperate to get my foot in the door to work at an educational setting. But now I’m feeling torn again. I want to relocate, but there’s this new job too.

Can you believe it? Just this summer, I was going to settle for a relationship, house, and job not even related to my degree. I didn’t even know how it was all going to happen. I just knew I could make it happen. That’s my downfall sometimes, I don’t make room for error, because I don’t plan on making an error. When an error happens, I simply make a new plan. I know, I know, “Failure to plan is a plan to fail.”

I was having a quarter life crisis. I finished my bachelors. I went to graduate school for one semester. I worked for a whole year at a place to gain the experience I needed. Then I dropped out of graduate school to try a career change. It’s true that I constantly want to please and impress the people around me. I really wanted that master degree for all my loved ones to say they knew someone close to them with one. I felt that a master degree would prove my worth in all levels of life: family, academic, employment, economic, relationships, and anything else I can rub it in.

But the only person I needed to impress was myself. It’s funny how hard I work in other people’s eyes, but my only life goal was to be able to afford a roof over my head and food. I could’ve done that without a bachelor degree, which came with loans, but with great experiences too. I was never a motivated person, even if it appears to be so (well, maybe just not academically). If I can live an honest life, it would be to make money for traveling purposes, and document it of course. The getting to know people and helping the community will come around. I’m not stress about my accomplishments. I’m just stressed at how I’m trying to impress anyone.

Ok, trying to get to know myself for the past month has actually been making me counsel others to channel their own identities. Maybe I should really become a counselor; I am constantly counseling myself to chill out.

Great Achievements Involve Great Risk

Whoaaa! This article about the Dalai Lama’s 18 rules of living was awesome. Rules one and two hit me right away.

Rule 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
I am currently going through this right now. A short term job while I apply for others.

Rule 2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
Yes, yes, yes. I will be stronger.

Rule 3. Follow the three Rs: 1. Respect for self 2. Respect for others 3. Responsibility for all your actions.

Rule 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Yes, like all those relationships that never happened.

Rule 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
:D I am pretty rebellious, after all.

Rule 6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
I don’t even have friends…maybe that’s why.

Rule 7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
This is especially important when it comes to work.

Rule 8. Spend some time alone every day.
I love quality time alone!

Rule 9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
Kind of like a relationship. Remember who you are and what you stand for.

Rule 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
I know. Sometimes I get so mad, I don’t even know what to say.

Rule 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

Rule 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
Yes, everything begins with the home.

Rule 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
Yes, sensei.

Rule 14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
Right…this was what I was after. I just wanted to share my knowledge of some knowledge.

Rule 15. Be gentle with the earth.
I recycle.

Rule 16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
There are plenty of places.

Rule 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Sounds like family.

Rule 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it
Yes, yes, yes. That is so true. Giving up my life during graduate school helped me become successful

But in all seriousness, these are great rules of living.