For a good amount of time, I had shut myself from the world. I went from a fresh college graduate to a graduate who wasn’t going to get her masters degree. A great paying job to an average job and then the ultimate fail, part time. All the greatness I was, was lost. All my energy. All my ideas. Everything I was, was gone. I just went downhill with my communication. I stopped responding to people because I couldn’t make things happen if they called me. My parents usually call me because I always had a solution, even though that’s not their purpose. I liked being the hero; I am CK afterall. I liked making things happen. I like telling my sisters I could watch their kids. I liked telling my siblings I can buy them things. I liked doing things for other people. But I couldn’t solve people’s issues or make their wants/dreams come true and I hated that, so I just stopped responding.

Since 2013, I started recording Hmong girls perform at the Hmong New Year, and other performers too, but they were my main focus. I’m not related to any of them in any degree. None of them are my aunt’s-son’s-daughter in law’s-father’s-uncle’s-grandma’s daughter/son. I have absolutely no ties to any of the girls I’ve recorded for the past five years until just this year when my two nieces formed a team.

I go to these Hmong New Years just to record them. Why? Because, seriously, ain’t nobody got time for dat. Their moms, aunts, grandmas, whoever are so busy prepping them. No one has time to sit in the audience and record. That role itself is asking a lot from someone else to take on. If you ain’t family, nobody got time for you.

I also started recorded them because I low key always wanted to be part of a dance team as a young girl. But I just grew up to be a semi tomboy who looooves card games :D and ping pong...and soccer, and tennis, and recording. I just wanted to belong and be surrounded by other like minded girls and that’s where I found my soccer team. :( But no one recorded any of our games :’( :’( :’( :’(  Ok, I’ll do that MN J4 2019, I promise. With my drone. So can we get enough girls out to play now?!

After sitting in the audience crowd, I decided to run in the 2019 Miss Hmong Madison Pageant competition. I guess one of my rules of life has always been don’t watch life pass you by watching from the sidelines, along with asking myself, “Why can’t I do that? Why am I not doing that?” My answers and results led me to all the things I’ve accomplished, if that’s what anyone wants to call it. When I decided to run for the pageant, I felt part of me was ready to be judged, literally. I was ready to be ok if I’m a failure in one’s eyes, but yet a goal in another. I was ready for the negativity because I had freed myself from it and it wasn’t going to affect me anymore.

Being a part of the pageant, exciting and non exciting things has been on my radar. One ignorant Hmong man (wait, does he even deserve to be called that?) who works for a Hmong news station recently shamed a non-stereotypical “Miss Hmong” pageant who took top three. He literally said, “She is the winner of the Hmong beauty pageant...is this the best hmong people have to offer?... :P “I FEEL SORRY FOR HMONG PEOPLE.”” I will leave his name unknown because his negativity doesn’t deserve to be searched. On top of that, nobody needs to see bad grammar. Not only was his grammer off, bish didn’t even do the research that she wasn’t the first place winner to whine over anyway.

The only thing I have to say to anyone that just sits back and criticize on these individual who chooses to make themself known to the public, whether it’s the pageant or people like Tou Ger Xiong-the comedian, is that they’re the biggest cowards and don’t know how to ask to be loved. Instead of just straight up saying they’re a piece of shi##, it’s easier to call out others and shift the focus on how shitty of a person they are. They are the most scared to be judge because of how harsh they see people. What comes out of their mouth is what goes into their mind of how they think of themselves. That is the worst thing than anything; you judging yourself; you not accepting yourself. I feel sorry FOR YOU. I don’t feel sorry for you. I will let you continue to prison yourself with unhappiness and negativity. I will let you continue to poison those around you, so you can see how toxic you are. I don’t want you to change. Stay ignorant