I'm Not Ok

I'm not ok. I'm not ok with how things are. I'm not ok with what's said to me or about me. I'm not ok with the people around me. and that's how change happens.

I was in my previous or current toxic situation/s because I was ok with it. Because I always chose peace, especially my peace, so I always held back how I felt. I realized what a disservice it was to myself and those my decisions or actions resulted from it. What I mean by that was that maybe I didn't speak up when someone did or said something I didn't like, and so they continued their ways as I continued to respond the same.

I'm not saying I'm a silent person, but there were so many battles that I just didn't want to win. I didn't want to correct false information about me because I turned it into a netting system. If someone is only willing to listen to one side of a story about me, that speaks a lot about that person alone. Why would I want a one-sided person's energy/presence? They're both on the same team; the game was already over. It didn't matter what I had to tell or say. If there's one way to "persuade" that person specifically or anyone in general about who you are, it's just to keep being you. For me, that was taking care of my debt, the only battle I wanted to win.

I was especially not ok with my debt anymore in 2018 and so I moved back in with my parents in 2019. Some people think it's the most loser move; like a downgrade. But let me tell you, racking up debt and staying in debt wasn't much of an upgrade either. Actually, it's more like a d for dumbass grade that ends up as an F for failing. You can't tie failure or stupidity to a location, it is based on an individual's intellectual and decisions. I could move to a "smart city" like Los Angeles or NY, it won't make me any smarter. If you are dumb, that's on you.

And I was. I was dumb. I was sooo dumb. I take full responsibility for it. I couldn't manage my money. I allowed pleasing others by letting it literally cost me. The worst part was when you're responded with, "nobody put a gun to your head to make that decision" or "nobody asked you to pay" and lastly, "I didn't ask for it." And they're right. Nobody but me, I had the gun to my head (metamorphically). I chose to pay. I chose to give something that wasn't asked.

So I was ok with debt for a while because I felt that I was contributing. It felt like I woke up from a coma when I gained my senses again from hearing those things. When I reflect back on it, I just think, "why was I ok with that for so long?" I started reading about credit scores and followed Dave Ramsey and other people who were also on a debt-free journey. In addition, I began applying minimalism and feng shui to my life. All this inspired me to take on the journey to taste a debt-free life.

This meant moving back in with my mom; the only person who will ever let me live rent-free. Being around my mom, I was able to see what true love was again. It's someone who accepts me with or without money; me with or without a degree; me with a $20 job or a $10 job. :'( I get really emotional whenever I talk about my mom because there are so many blessings I can't keep up with. So being with her, I was also no longer ok with the kind of love around me.

I just want to wrap up that whatever journey you're working on, only you can set the pace. It's when you're no longer ok with the progress or conditions that you will actually get moving again. So don't be ok. Things can actually be your way sometimes. And if they aren't, try to achieve it in a peaceful and civil way.

-Choua

P.S. My Youtube has reached 1k subs. Now I'll finally get $100 in a year from YT lol.

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