(It’s Friday and on Fridays, I work at the IT lab to help with administrative duties. Also on Fridays, everyone leaves campus early, get where I’m going here? That means I have time to write. I’m debating if I should ask to leave work early and head out to Mad and MKE for the weekend. For now, I’ll continue a post I started.)
The reason why I decided to share parts of my life on the web is because I’m not in a relationship.
You see, when I was in one, my partner got all of this, stop thinking dirty. All of this is not physical, it’s the stories, the cheesiness, the random, the ugly, the good, the bad, everything in any partner. My partner was always my priority, and that was sadly kinda the mistake too, but that was the decision I made. I never shared stories/my daily stuff with just anyone and always saved it for them...because I’m cheesy to want them to be the only one who knows, ya know, thee-only-one kind of deal. In general, my life was very limited to my family, close friends, and partner.
Since I’m not in a relationship, I don’t have anyone to share my thoughts and ideas with anymore. Don’t suggest me to get in one either. Not being in one has shown me that it’s ok to share my thoughts with the world and not just limit myself to my partner. Sometimes I do feel and wonder, who is even reading? And most importantly, who even cares? Then the more important question, do I NEED THAT to function? LOL! I’ll leave that a mystery to all of us, including me self.
It used to be that a relationship was doable if the other person was willing to tango with me and vice versa. However, as I got older, it got more different, like a little more expectations and I didn’t want to tango on my end. It kind of matters after a while as you age.
At 16, I didn’t care if my partner was going to continue higher ed or not, who am I kidding? I didn’t know nothing myself; the blind leading the blind. As long as I finished high school, I didn’t even think about college. At 18, a job for financial income started to matter because I wanted to explore the world and love wasn’t going to provide fuel for that. Don’t mistaken a person that needs you to have a job to provide for them. A job for yourself just means pulling your own weight...so I encourage you to get a job if you don’t have one. If you have one, continue to climb the ladder to your ultimate position. By the time I was 20, I did so much and it mattered what my partner was kind of passionate about... feel strongly about... or have a bigger purpose for, ya know, dream. The problem with 20s something is that they act like they’re in retirement by that time, as if they’ve done enough. What exactly have you accomplished that you want to bum all day? Where have you gone? Do you like your situation?... It’s different for everyone, but that was my problem. I could never settle...I wasn’t ‘bored’ of a relationship, but I just felt like I stop growing when I got in one. At 22, it was important for me to make sure I find someone that was kinda the same like me, like going the same direction, motivation, having a positive view (like, IDGAF if you have to lie to me that you’re having a great time at a boring event; fake it til you make it. That’s for a different blog--venting about people who demands but don’t cooperate. GFY). Yes, I get that somedays you are going to call in sick on life, but I can’t be around people who call in sick 5/7 days!! I think my mom only calls in sick on life about 1/year...so you really need to get check if you’re calling in that often. :P Like that analogy?
Now, even i’m confuse with the idea of being with another person. I hate reporting where I am at all times, even my mom doesn’t know! I hate feeling like I can’t have a conversation with the opposite gender, I’m not flirting or interested, I’m doing research. I hate dealing and running with another schedule, like dude, just go get your stuff done, then let me know when you’re free. And let me get my stuff done, and I’ll let you know when I’m free. I hate being on the phone for 3 hours, because we could seriously be doing something more productive. I just hate it all. Haters gonna hate :P
But yes, I believe that that doesn't happen when you’re with the ‘right’ person, because that kind of relationship is literally, MAGIC. You both magically have time for each other. You both magically want to be at the same place. You both magically wake up with a smile on. You both magically laugh at the small things. You both magically enjoy each other. Before you start thinking that I’m going fantasy world here, I was really trying to say that people chose to make things work because each other matters.
I haven’t gave up on having a relationship yet, but those were my experiences. I can’t just blame the other person. I was just as guilty, I should’ve just never got in one in the first place. Why do you think I’m in this situation? And yes, I do and don’t like it, but I’m not going to drag anyone in the process of making that decision.